Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
