I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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