I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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