Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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