you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I want a musical about memes.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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