If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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