can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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