it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
