If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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