In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
