pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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