I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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