he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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