I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
