Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
