can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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