Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
