I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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