Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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