dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
