I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
