My first STD was from a foam party
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
