the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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