I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
