New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
