I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
