I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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