Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Randomize
