not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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