Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
