i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
