Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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