I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
