My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
