Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
