Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
