I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
