Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
