I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
