I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
