I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
