The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
