Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
