Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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