spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
