2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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