I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
