I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
