I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
