My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
